I don’t normally cry. 

But 2 weeks before I went on Sabbatical in spring of 2023, I sat in our Sanctuary and sobbed. 

I was done, all in and the tank was well and truly empty.   How had I let myself get so depleted?  And if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, 2 of our church leaders were in the room and didn’t know what to do.  And one was my husband.  

5 minutes before, we had been really happy that all of our obsolete and old heaters had been replaced and we could look forward to a warmer room in the winter.  

And then we noticed that we’d missed one.  

And that was when I realised I was done.  I’d forgotten that we had another heater behind some storage and the engineer had now left.  And quite understandably, my colleagues, looked at me and wondered why I was crying over a heater – when they had not seen me cry before.  “it’s just a heater,” they said in unison.  But for me, it would be another task to sort out before I went off.  And personally, I was juggling with both my parents being ill with Covid, my mum was in hospital and had just received a dementia diagnosis too, and the teenager we were fostering was once again in trouble at school.  

Maybe you’re made of sterner stuff than me, maybe you care for your soul in a much healthier way and are already tutting as you read one of my most embarrassing moments in ministry.  However, although it might not be a missed heater that is the trigger, plenty of Pastors and Church Leaders admit to having a breaking point where they realise that the tank is empty.  It is really hard to navigate the delicate balance between ministry responsibilities and personal well-being. But here’s the thing we can’t escape: effective leadership begins with emotional health.

The thought of a sabbatical was always a bit frightening – I like to be busy, “the devil makes use of idle hands” my Grandma always told me – but as I knew I was nearly on empty, particularly after doing the best I could to hold us all together during Covid, I knew a stop and restart was very necessary for my physical and emotional health.

I was very familiar with Peter Scazzero’s writing, and had a stack of books about the importance of a rest and Sabbath, as well as engaging with Jason Perkins materials on Soul Care.  So, I knew it didn’t need to be like this – but now I had to admit I had not practiced the discipline of emotional health and self care.  Caring for myself was not at the bottom of my to do list – it had fallen right off it.

Maybe you can relate?  You too have been in that place of surviving rather than thriving in your role. The good news though – it doesn’t have to be this way.

But it won’t happen without effort.  I know, there is always a down side!

It requires intentionality, self-awareness, and a willingness to embrace vulnerability.

It means setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and seeking support when you need it most.  I do think preparing for the Sabbatical did contribute to how I felt, sometimes preparing for 1 Sunday can seem like a mountain to climb, but putting everything in place for 12 Sundays, and for all our other ministries – that took a lot of time and energy.  So, I might take a different approach to taking a Sabbatical in future.  But that’s another article for another time.

After a couple of weeks of rest – well slumped in front of Netflix – I began to have energy to face up to what had got me to that place.  I made a list of all I was doing and was involved in.  I’d picked up a few other trustee roles over the years and when I looked at the list – I realised I had been too busy.  I signed up for some counselling, and signed up for a silent retreat, called ‘Filling up when pouring out’ at Penhurst Retreat centre.  

I booked some fun things for my husband & I to do – we went walking the Lake District, we went Ghyll Scrambling and zip wiring through an old slate mine.  And I know I was fortunate enough to do those things.  

And when we got home, I wrote some apologetic emails to organisations explaining that I was standing down.  I went through my diary and booked ahead all of my leave for the next 18 months, and agreed with my husband that we would ensure 1 whole day a week just for us, for fun, rest and God.  (But with God first – obviously).  We also took the difficult decision to stop fostering, so that our home could become our sanctuary of peace.

I reread Emotionally Healthy Leader, I worked through the Soul Care series again, and I picked up some past hobbies.  Henry Cloud’s writings on boundaries was incredibly helpful and I now regularly top myself up by glancing at his socials.  I started running again, and slowly I felt joy come gliding back into my life.  I began to miss church life, I really missed preaching, I missed doing life with people and I knew I was ready to make a plan to return to work.

I spoke with our Leaders/trustees and explained how bad I’d got, that I needed them to hold me more accountable (and they now do).  I share the challenging emails with them all – where before I would deal with the difficult complaints on my own – and they have rose to the challenge and defended my boundaries in a way I couldn’t imagine and we’ve become stronger as a team.  I delegate more, even if every fibre of my being doesn’t want to – reminding myself that it will be ok, the world won’t end and others have the chance to grow.

I still see a counsellor, and I’m on the journey of setting up a Spiritual Director.  I have 2 grown up daughters who I have invited to be even more honest and direct with me, which they relish!  I regularly look after my grandchildren as they bring so much joy to us (and they are always super nice to me) and one of our breaks this year, is the 10 of us going away together.

I’m still not there – I did find myself replying to emails at 11.30pm the other week – but I knew it was a sign and booked 2 days off work and left my laptop and phone on my desk.   I am determined to be disciplined and keep the promise I made to myself – that I will never get that drained again.

As well as putting these things into place, I have also found a tribe that keep me focussed.  Not only have I have gained so much personally from joining Further Faster Network, we have matured and grown as a church.  I have found a place I can be honest and share the pains and joy of ministry.  At the recent Further Faster Network conference in Halesowen, not only was I so encouraged by Andy Stanley sharing the ministry of Paul and the things that he had faced, but worshipping with hundreds of other Church Leaders who have their own ‘battle’ scars lifted me into Gods presence and I felt my calling renewed all over again.  

I do have a reason to praise!

I invite you to be really honest – how are you?  How would those around you say you are doing?  You won’t keep being emotionally healthy by chance or by prayer alone.  It takes intentionality and it takes discipline.  But if we are to reach the end of the race and hear the words ‘well done good and faithful servant’ – it is the only way to get there.

Rev. Tracey Ansell, North End Baptist Church, Portsmouth.